When the abuser is a woman…

Today, there are an incredible amount of resources designed to help and protect women and girls from abusive men and boys. While no one can deny the distressing reality of abuse against women, there is often little support for those whose abuser IS female. Men, women and children who have suffered at the hands of women know all too well the frustration at others not taking their plight seriously.

Have a closer look at Genesis 3:16, where we read that the woman’s desire will be for her husband, and he will rule over her. This has nothing to do with sexual desire. The Fall was the starting point of the ‘battle of the sexes’. God’s intention for loving male leadership, in a perfect sinless world, has now been undone by Eve’s disobedience and Adam being party to it (Gen 3:4-7). Today we still bear the burden of this sin as men and women continue to compete for authority in the home, workplace or even the church.

So, not only are men sinners, so are women. And with the desire for power and headship, comes the desire to dominate. Sadly, in extreme cases, this desire leads to the grievous sin of abuse – of which both men and women are guilty of. Be assured though, if an abuser does not repent of their sin and seek true forgiveness in Christ, God WILL judge them (Romans 6:23; 12:19).

Sadly it’s a long road to healing for the ones who have suffered under the violence, manipulation and sin of an abuser. Telling someone to ‘get over it’; ‘chin up’ and other silly platitudes are hurtful and useless. Not withstanding that God can do miracles, I am yet to meet someone who has not come to a place of healing, acceptance and forgiveness without a lot of hard work – prayer, counsel, Bible study, dealing with hate, rage, guilt, sadness, abandonment, isolation and many more issues. There is no easy answer and no easy path forward.

But, Jesus WILL and CAN help. God’s Word promises us that He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). Remember that Jesus was a suffering servant (Isaiah 53) and it’s this very suffering throughout His life and death on the cross that enables Him to be our Great High Priest (Hebrews 4:14-16) mediating for us. Our Lord knows the very pit and depths of what victims endure.

While it’s imperative a victim gets to safety, each situation is complex. Only the one going through the trauma will know what steps they can and can’t take and who they can and can’t turn to. This article cannot give a solution for each and every scenario. But, if you are a Christian and are in a position to begin the healing process, then please rely on the Holy Spirit to help you in your prayers, and allow God to lead you to the right people who can help. Sometimes this means professional help, other times it might be finding a good church and leaning on trusted friends and family. For those who may be considering being a support to an abuse victim, know that your role will not be easy and that your own patience and endurance will be tested. Both victim and their support network MUST rely on the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit to keep going, along with being surrounded by Godly wisdom and counsel by trusted mature Christians.

However long it takes, dear sister in Christ, know that you can be healed with the help of our Lord.